Intimacy: Is Your Past Holding You Hostage?

What's keeping you so tied up that you can't be intimate?

Did you know that the fear of intimacy or being rejected by another person is the 7^th most common fear people experience?

Yep—fear of being jilted hurt by a jerk creep is only trumped by being afraid of super creepy things.

Does she look a lot like your ex-girlfriend?

Like snakes.

Yes, you used to date him.

Or spiders.

Understandably, some of you have probably dated your fair share of snakes and spiders, so you have every reason to lump your fear of intimacy right up there with fear of creepy-crawling things and things that go bump in the night (another top-7 common fear).

The problem is, these fears can cause a lot of damage because they set up barriers to ever becoming fully intimate—fully self-disclosing and trustful—with another person.

Fear of intimacy is often the result of a lot of interacting factors. It can be the result of having parents who were not affectionate or tender and warm. It can result from friendships that went wrong or being the victim of bullies.  And it can even result from being burned by someone you once had feelings for.

But it doesn’t have to be permanent. 

The first step of overcoming this fear is to acknowledge that life is full of risks—and relationship life is no different! It’s just that relationships are tougher because we have to put ourselves out there so much, making us feel even more vulnerable.

So, how do you start over?

1.    Take off the mask: It’s okay. EVERYone who loves has to take off the mask at some point or another. Be your genuine self—flaws and insecurities and all. It’s okay. (And if it’s not, screw them. You don’t have time for plastic in your life anyway.)

2.    Be realistic: Just about EVERYone you see on TV or hear on your iPod has been built from the ground up by plastic surgeons and image consultants. You’re not sleeping with them. You’re not falling in love with them. Whoever you fall in love with is going to have just as many faults and flaws and imperfections as you do. Trust me.

3.    Trust: At some point, you’re going to have to trust SOMEone with SOMEthing. You’re going to have to let your guard down. Yep, you’re going to get hurt at some point along the way…that’s what happens when we love, we also hurt. That’s a realistic expectation. But I guarantee you that your partner is just as afraid of trusting you as you are of trusting him/her. (See, you really are on equal playing fields. Why be so intimidated?)

4.    Share: You can’t build trust until you share something with someone. Start small. If your love interest or partner doesn’t violate the trust you showed when you shared that piece of yourself with him/her, share more. Over time, this trust/share pattern is what intensifies intimacy.

5.    Untrap emotions: Trapped emotions are your emotional baggage. The crap you carry around in your heart that weighs you down, that paralyzes you. The crap that makes you second-guess every decision you make when it comes to love and loving and being intimate. The crap that you wish you could dump and be done with it, once and for all.

The past crap that is holding your present hostage.

It takes some work, but over time you can let go of these intimacy fears, of this past baggage, of the trapped emotions that are holding you back.

It all begins with journaling. Are you worth investing time in?

I’ll answer that for you: YES YOU ARE!

What’s stopping you from moving forward? No excuses, start now!

Photo Credits: “Kidnapped” by pfv; Thomas Hawk, Gayanth Shamma (all by flickr.com)