Betrayal. Aggression. Just plain insensitivity. We hurt people in so many ways. Sometimes it’s unintentional. And sometimes it’s very intentional.
When someone hurts you or offends you, do you let the comments or actions go and get back to the business of the relationship? Or do you tend to hold a grudge and silently (our loudly) vow to “get even” somehow?
Despite what Lifetime Movie Network for women portrays (name a movie, I’ll tell you at what point she says “I want my kid back!” or when she murders her lover for having an affair…or making her mad…or ruining her day…or…), most marriages and intimate relationships can survive the deepest of emotional hurt, like infidelity.
How is that possible? Because forgiveness is the most underutilized tool we have to strengthen our relationships.
Unfortunately, just like nearly every other aspect of marriage, we almost always think we know what forgiveness is and how to do it—but we fall way short.
Forgiveness is a deliberate process (this is an important word—forgiveness is not instantaneous, it takes place over many days, weeks, months, or years, depending on the situation). Throughout this process timeframe, we move from a [very, very strong] desire for revenge to more positive thoughts about the event or the person (read: We don’t want to kill them anymore).
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You heard this stuff in premarital counseling. You heard the recycled version at that marriage retreat weekend that was supposed to recharge and re-energize your love and passion for each other.
You’ve heard it. You’ve tried it. It failed. You’re probably even thinking something like, “YOU live with this %*#$@^! and see how this forgiveness $%&* works!”
You can forgive, because I’m going to show you how to go about it the right way. My way shows you what motivates someone to forgive, and what drives other people to hold a grudge. My way shows you why it’s almost always so hard to forgive…even when we want to. My way will teach you the differences between
- Forgiving at the Individual Level and
- Forgiving at the Relationship Level
(See? You already learned that there are different types of forgiveness. And of course, different types of forgiveness require different approaches in order to be successful.)
