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We are relational creatures—we need to be with other people. Even Aristotle once observed that people who don’t want to be emotionally connected to others are either “a beast or a god.”
The word intimacy comes from the Latin word intimus, which means inner or internal, to come from within a person. In my field of family studies, we use the term to refer to an emotional closeness, mutual trust, and comfortable levels of self-disclosure shared between love partners.
And intimacy doesn’t just benefit you as a couple and your relationship. Unlike any other aspect of a love and/or sexual relationship, intimacy meets your crucial individual psychological needs…it actually promotes your own well-being and psychological health.
Through frequent, intimate communication in which your talks include personal sharing, listening, and understanding, your individual psychological needs are met by way of your relationship with your partner!
As you self-disclose and share, and as your partner responds positively to your disclosures, your emotional bond to each other is strengthened and deepened—and so is your love for one another.
Developing intimacy is a process, and because it’s a process it means that it will change over time—not might, not maybe, not probably, not possibly.
Intimacy. Will. Change. Over. Time.
<Insert Realistic Relationship Expectation Here>
The intimacy you have today will not—should not (!!!)—be the same 5 years from now or 10 or 20 years from now. Just as your love matures and changes over time, so will your intimacy levels.
As you get to know your partner better, you begin to self-disclose your thoughts and feelingsààThis leads to greater sharing of personal vulnerabilities and fears and hopes and dreams and wishesààWhich even further deepens your levels of trustààWhich gives you the freedom to share even more and moreàààWhich ultimately creates your own unique, private relational culture.
And that, my friends, is what divorce/affair proofs your relationship!
Oh, creating and maintaining this intimacy culture is tough work, there’s no doubt about that! This is why, when kids come on the scene—and we’re so busy tending to their needs and driving them over half of hell’s acre to get them where they need to be—most relationships experience a huge dip in relationship satisfaction.
But your relationship doesn’t have to be “average.” You don’t have to experience that nose-dive, OMG-are-we-ever-going-to-pull-out-of-this unhappiness.
It takes work, though. Are you ready to commit to what it takes?
Start by filling out this intimacy inventory. Each partner fills this out on his/her own time…once this is done, get together (away from LIFE!!) in a quiet setting and discuss your answers with each other.
Save your responses, because over the next several weeks we’re going to build on this information and then begin to weave it into what you already know about marriage scripts, love maps, and sex scripts!
And...there’s a surprise twist at the end. You don’t want to miss it!
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