Come On Get "Happy," and Other Stoooopid Sex Advice

I read about sex. I read about sex a lot. I write about sex. A lot. So much so, sometimes I feel as though I need condoms on my fingers as I type out another chapter.

When you’re a professor and author of intimate relationships and sexuality, it’s kind of an occupational hazard. Reading and writing about sex comes with the territory (no pun intended—yet).

Some of the stuff out there is pretty good…it’s accurate enough so that no one gets hurt in the process of trying the “advice.” And it’s at least somewhat based in reality. (Let’s face it—doing a striptease and a lap dance for the hubs every night may be what Reality TV is all about, but anyone who’s been married for more than 10 minutes knows that this isn’t what Reality Reality is all about. This definitely falls in the "are you freakin' kidding me" column).

After sitting here all morning trying to write a sex advice column and answer college students’ questions about sex, I came to arrived at the conclusion that there’s a lot stuff out there that is just downright, well, ridiculous. Ludicrous. Absurd. Outlandish. Bizarre. Nonsensical. (I know, I know. How do I really feel?)

Take for example, Cosmopolitan’s advice to try the Kama Sutra spinning position where she does a 360-degree propeller spin around him while he keeps “Mr. Happy” inside of her while she lifts her legs and swings them over his head. All while sober. And on purpose.

Or how about this little gold nugget of wisdom about anal sex?

“The vagina was designed to receive the penis; it was custom-made to engage in intercourse. [Observation #1: There’s a big difference between intercourse and rumpy-pumpy sex.] The anus, quite frankly, was not.” [Observation #2: And Mr. Author knows this how???]

Continuing on… “Anal sex will hurt. [Observation #3: See Observation #2.] Yes, some women stretch out that area to gradually accommodate a husband, but there are other issues." [Observation #4: Any adult who refers to a part of his wife’s body as “that area” has his own ish-shuuus.]

And we’re walkin’…..

“A woman’s rectal area can easily tear, resulting in painful and embarrassing maladies—and how will she explain this to her doctor?" [Observation #5: Oh, I don’t know, maybe she can try something like this: “Mr. Doctor, Mr. Happy went all Mr. Ape-Sh!t Gorilla Crazy on me.” Dood, if she tears, it’s YOUR fault.]

Mr. Author concludes with this unbiased, professional advice…

“Anal sex is kinky, and I believe it’s wrong!” [Observation #6: Mr. Author, throughout your book you repeatedly refer to your man-parts…errr, excuse me….your thrusting-device-that’s-designed-to-fit-snugly-into-her-receiving-vagina-device….

….you repeatedly refer to your apparent weapon of mass destruction (see Observation #5) as “Mr. Happy”—I’m not so sure you know the meaning of “kinky.”]  

J

Mr. Happy

Oh. Em. Gee.

Cosmo sells millions of magazines. The no-butt-sex author has probably sold tens of thousands of books.

But that doesn’t mean that what they sell is accurate. It doesn’t mean that what they sell isn’t actually doing more harm than good (Cosmo—telling a gal to take a sharp comb to the shaft of his penis or shaking his twins like a maraca? Seriously? Let’s just think for a minute how that might end….).

I think some of the sex stuff out there today is hysterically funny. But a lot of it is just downright dangerous to relationships.

Is it tough for you to sort through relationship and sex advice—to know what’s “good” advice and what isn’t?


Photo Credit: cesarastudillo (flicr.com); Kama Sutra