Please Stow Your Baggage Away--Permanently

Not long ago I was at the grocery store picking up a few odds and ends. It was one of those hurried I’ve-got-to-get-this-done-right-now-no-matter-what kind of trips to the grocery store because I was providing end-of-life care for my dad, and I had to get back to him as quickly as possible.

Making my way to the check out lane, I saw a friend…and I immediately ducked into a different aisle so I didn’t have to see her (I told myself it was because I was in a hurry, and maybe that was partially true…but I think in reality I didn’t want her to see me in my disheveled state).

Of course she saw me (isn’t that the way it always works?!).

She approached me and before I even had a chance to say hi she said, “Oh my God, Kelly. What. Is. Going. On? You look terrible. Talk to me, something is wrong.”

[Okay. I know I was tired, but I didn’t think I looked that bad.]

Anyway, I told her that my dad was ill and didn’t have much longer to live…and she didn’t buy it. She knew me well enough to know that there was a whole lot more going on than I was telling her.

So she pushed further (like good friends do) and said, “Look, I don’t know what’s going on. But I’m telling you this right now: This is the kind of stress that will bring your cancer back. You either find a way to deal with it, or you won’t live to see your grandbabies.”

I can’t write here what my immediate thoughts were because the thoughts included some very sailor-like language.

But I let her words soak in for a few seconds.

And she was right. My dad’s illness was just the tip of the iceberg. I was dealing with a lot of emotional baggage. A lot.

Trapped emotions—baggage—are emotionally charged events from the past that still haunt you. And, just like trying to schlep a too-heavy bag through the airport weighs you down and slows you down, so do these trapped emotions.

Trapped emotions create lots of problems.

Big

Huge

Problems

Wine Wednesday for the Ladies: Your [Bondage] Sexual Fantasies

Wine Wednesday for the Ladies:
What Are Your Sexual Fantasies?

Sexual Desire. Sexual Response. Sexual Fantasies.

Ladies, when it comes to sex we are comp. li. ca. ted.

Mucho. Much. Very.

We do have sexual fantasies, and we do fantasize about bondage. But much to the fellas’ disappointment, we don’t frequently daydream about the dominatrix-whip-gurl type of bondage.

Sisters, our sexual fantasies are almost always about emotional bonding. 

Intimacy: Is Your Past Holding You Hostage?

What's keeping you so tied up that you can't be intimate?

Did you know that the fear of intimacy or being rejected by another person is the 7^th most common fear people experience?

Yep—fear of being jilted hurt by a jerk creep is only trumped by being afraid of super creepy things.

Does she look a lot like your ex-girlfriend?

Like snakes.

Yes, you used to date him.

Or spiders.

Understandably, some of you have probably dated your fair share of snakes and spiders, so you have every reason to lump your fear of intimacy right up there with fear of creepy-crawling things and things that go bump in the night (another top-7 common fear).

The problem is, these fears can cause a lot of damage because they set up barriers to ever becoming fully intimate—fully self-disclosing and trustful—with another person.

Fear of intimacy is often the result of a lot of interacting factors. It can be the result of having parents who were not affectionate or tender and warm. It can result from friendships that went wrong or being the victim of bullies.  And it can even result from being burned by someone you once had feelings for.

But it doesn’t have to be permanent. 

The first step of overcoming this fear is to acknowledge that life is full of risks—and relationship life is no different! It’s just that relationships are tougher because we have to put ourselves out there so much, making us feel even more vulnerable.

So, how do you start over?

What's Your Intimacy Phobia Score?

“Our fear of intimacy…inspires ingenious ways of avoiding it.”

Intimacy requires that we unmask ourselves and become vulnerable and risk rejection. Because of this, many people fear intimacy.

Do you find that you’re afraid to establish and maintain close relationships with other people, or that you put up walls that prevent people from getting too emotionally close to you?

Have you ever found yourself having many friendships—but avoiding one close personal relationship with someone?

Do you ever become overly involved in work or use work as an excuse not to hang out with others? Have you ever thought to yourself, “Wow, it’s been ____ days and other than work, I haven’t really had any contact with anyone.”?

If you answer yes to more than two of these, then you may have a fear of intimacy.

But what exactly is it that people are afraid of? Fear of intimacy comes in many forms and can manifest itself in any of the following ways: