Intimacy: Is Your Past Holding You Hostage?

What's keeping you so tied up that you can't be intimate?

Did you know that the fear of intimacy or being rejected by another person is the 7^th most common fear people experience?

Yep—fear of being jilted hurt by a jerk creep is only trumped by being afraid of super creepy things.

Does she look a lot like your ex-girlfriend?

Like snakes.

Yes, you used to date him.

Or spiders.

Understandably, some of you have probably dated your fair share of snakes and spiders, so you have every reason to lump your fear of intimacy right up there with fear of creepy-crawling things and things that go bump in the night (another top-7 common fear).

The problem is, these fears can cause a lot of damage because they set up barriers to ever becoming fully intimate—fully self-disclosing and trustful—with another person.

Fear of intimacy is often the result of a lot of interacting factors. It can be the result of having parents who were not affectionate or tender and warm. It can result from friendships that went wrong or being the victim of bullies.  And it can even result from being burned by someone you once had feelings for.

But it doesn’t have to be permanent. 

The first step of overcoming this fear is to acknowledge that life is full of risks—and relationship life is no different! It’s just that relationships are tougher because we have to put ourselves out there so much, making us feel even more vulnerable.

So, how do you start over?

What's Your Intimacy Phobia Score?

“Our fear of intimacy…inspires ingenious ways of avoiding it.”

Intimacy requires that we unmask ourselves and become vulnerable and risk rejection. Because of this, many people fear intimacy.

Do you find that you’re afraid to establish and maintain close relationships with other people, or that you put up walls that prevent people from getting too emotionally close to you?

Have you ever found yourself having many friendships—but avoiding one close personal relationship with someone?

Do you ever become overly involved in work or use work as an excuse not to hang out with others? Have you ever thought to yourself, “Wow, it’s been ____ days and other than work, I haven’t really had any contact with anyone.”?

If you answer yes to more than two of these, then you may have a fear of intimacy.

But what exactly is it that people are afraid of? Fear of intimacy comes in many forms and can manifest itself in any of the following ways:

Wine Wednesday for the Ladies: Goodbye Body Image Worries, Hello Orgasms!

Wine Wednesday for the Ladies
Let go of the body image and hang on to the sheets!

When you become preoccupied with the appearance of your body outside of the bedroom, these worries and concerns ultimately end up in the bedroom.

Because for women sexual arousal and response require attention and focus, when you focus on how your body looks—rather than what you’re experiencing and feeling—you are less able to let your guard down and fully enjoy sexual pleasure and sexually pleasing your partner.

For a great relationship—and great sex—redefine what sex is all about!

Are You Capable of Intimacy? Take Your Intimacy Quiz!

Although intimacy is thought to be an inborn, innate drive and that all of us need intimacy in order to survive, some people are just better at giving and receiving intimacy than others are.

This is because, just as with your love map, your intimacy map develops as a result of your relational life experiences. In other words, who you are as a relational, intimate person is the result of every relationship you’ve ever had in your life—from your parents, to your friends in grade school, to your high school peers and buddies, to your college friends, to every positive and negative hook up or sexual relationship you’ve ever had.

Your intimacy map has been created over time. This is why intimacy doesn’t always come easily to everyone—and why it’s essential that your love partner knows as much about your relational background as you are comfortable sharing.

In fact, most of the time establishing and maintaining a close personal relationship with another person requires a lot of hard work. With this in mind, it’s important to remember that if you find yourself having to work at your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong or that you’ve chosen the wrong partner.

If you desire someone to openly, honestly, and completely share with you, you have to be willing to be open and honest about your needs and desires. This is the only way the seeds of intimacy will have a chance to flourish and thrive!

Do you get it?